Letting Go

Letting go is hard. Sometimes, we aren’t ready for an experience to end. It does anyway, and we feel like circumstances are not under our control. In these instances, we have a choice. We can either let what is happening define us, or we can define what happened and what is going to happen next. Alan Turing, the mathematician, said, “We can only see so far into the future, but we can see a lot that needs to be done there.” In the wake of an unexpected ending, the choice to begin again is the only way to begin healing, and self-care is the next step.

Everyone has different beliefs, and approaches self-care differently. For the last five years, for me that has meant meditation, Yoga, crystal healing, Tai Chi, and most recently, Reiki. Like many college students, I have been struggling to balance my studies with finding employment and working. In an economically depressed rural region, that is more of a challenge than in a city with cafes, bookstores, bars, and shops around or blocks away from campus. For the last two year, I have experienced the high of getting a new job, and the crushing low of being let go in waves of post- or pre- holiday season budget cuts more than once. Each time, its crushing, not just because of the loss of income but because retail workers are not always informed that their employment is seasonal or otherwise temporary. This isn’t the only thing that employers are not honest about-to warrant letting go an otherwise average performing associate, a false paper trail of absences, customer complaints, and other behavioral complaints are drummed up to hustle an employee or a wave of them out of the door to make a little room in the budget. One of my teachers in middle school worked part-time at Sear’s for over twenty years when she wasn’t teaching seventh grade English. A long-term part time gig like that isn’t feasible when brick and mortar stores are losing sales to online retailers, customers are sluggish to sign up for the store credit cards that save the store money in credit card processing fees, and human workers are being replaced by automation-those self-check outs we all love.

Getting my marching orders this time was not exactly a surprise, as I had watched part time associates get their hours cut just a week after the store, a discount retailer known for department store brands at slashed prices, opened its doors. My co-workers fretted over being reduced to one or two days a week, some contemplated applying for other jobs, a lot of people saw the writing on the wall and quit, and call outs were frequent as people stayed on but became dispirited. It was awkward for me because my hours actually weren’t cut. At thirty hours a week, I was considered a full-time employee, with the possibility of promotions and benefits upon my evaluation. Well, I was evaluated all right, and considered a drain on the tightening budget. As a wave of newly hired seasonal associates walked out of their training class in the facility break room, I was called from my duties on the salesfloor to the office where I was informed that I had been tardy-according to a handwritten time card- and had an argument (that never occurred) with a fellow, unnamed associate. There was no mistaking what was happening here-following a sluggish opening, facing a holiday season with a reduced pay roll budget, I was being forced out of my job. The job. No longer my job. With a trail of damning disciplinary infractions such as I was being forced to sign for, as fictitious as they were, I would never be eligible for promotion, and a case was being laid that I was not a viable enough employee to be kept on after the holiday season. It is a tried and true retail management tactic, when passively downsizing like this, to create documented instances of strikes against the employee. There is nowhere to go after that but termination. I could either live under a wheeling albatross for as many weeks as it would take them to come up with another lie, letting the write ups and bad vibes mount until I was fired, or I could take my bow.

It meant goodbye to the Christmas presents I planned to buy for my family, and being able to afford hobbies like collecting vintage clothes and practicing aromatherapy. Longer term plans like paying back my student loans would also have to be reshuffled. However, it wasn’t just financial. Being the opening crew of a new store can be a very special experience, that bonds everyone quickly due to all of the teamwork required. These people became my sisters. I had finally found co-workers who were open, friendly, respectful, and mature. We had laughter and heart to heart talks. I taught a few of them, stressed out college students like myself, pranayama techniques for quick stress relief, made crystal necklaces for them, and even discreetly practiced Reiki on a co-worker’s arthritic knee. On a good day, I felt like the film character Amelie, far from Paris but doing good deeds and having a lot of fun. And, in such a short span of time this group of strangers became friends who made me feel loved. They were also really earnest hard workers. I wish the powers that be had seen what a great team we were!

I have been through this before, but its never fun. In the eight months I had been unemployed before this job, I had nourished myself with meditation of various kinds, and gained a strength and clarity that I had never known before. What to do next seemed like a no-brainer: do everything you were doing before. Do what you know works, what feels good and nourishes your soul. The funny thing was, that felt like the last thing I wanted to do. I was afraid to start the cycle of letting my anger, sadness, and disappointment rise to the surface, only to acknowledge them compassionately and release them. Is it rewarding and life changing? Yeah. But, its really hard, unpleasant, and unpredictable at times. I didn’t want to face the first day of that journey. I didn’t want to go to sleep, because when I woke up a new day was going to dawn, a day where I was no longer employed, no longer planning all the things I was planning, no longer feeling safe by the comforting routine of going into work, coming home, and ending my week by cashing a check.

The next day came anyway, and the work of letting go was ahead of me whether I liked it or not. My mom and sister were extraordinary sources of comfort. For them, time together as a family, my own self worth and wellness, and education were more important than a job in a store. They assured me that we were still going to have a good Christmas. I confided to my sister that when I looked at the crystals and clay Buddha statue, books of Reiki practices and the poetry of Rumi on the coffee table, I no longer felt that they were comforting touchstones of my life, but clutter that was confusing me. She reminded me that after a difficult experience, I always tried to throw out whatever I was doing around the time it happened-clothes, novels in progress I had been writing, books I never thought I would read again. These things, however, she and my mom reminded me, “Are what makes you, You. Everything you enjoy.”

My instincts weren’t entirely wrong, just misguided. My urgent instinct to throw something out, shed something, and return to simplicity were my soul telling me that I didn’t need to carry the pain, shame, and self-blame of unemployment with me like a heavy shell. I had to hold onto what I trusted, and trust that it was enough to excise this cancer. Feeling is a reaction to what happens around and to us, and even to our own choices. Negative emotions linger a long time, unless we mindfully try to work with them and return to balance. It can be hard to deal with the feelings that come as a result of the actions of others, because we feel doubly burdened-we feel bad, and we feel like it isn’t our fault.

Rumi wrote, “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there”.

That field is where we go to heal ourselves. You can’t pack your anger and hike there, but rather walk with it and set it free on the way there in the wilderness of potential outcomes and exhausted concepts waiting to become something new. All those months I was unemployed, I felt suspicious of my own contentment. How dare I enjoy sitting on the couch reading a book? Was I one of those millennial layabouts middle aged comedians and economic journalists loved taking the piss about? Now, I knew what every afternoon spent contemplating the clouds or the wind in the pines, every hike in the river park, or stroll through the fine arts museum, every time I unrolled my Yoga mat or practiced Tai Chi in the living room, every Rumi or Hafiz poem, getting certified online through Aura Wellness as a 200 hr Hatha teacher, and every book I had read about energy healing had been for, after all. I hadn’t been lazing about-I had been preparing my soul for this moment. To quote one of my favorite films, “The Crow”, “Nothing is trivial.”

It wasn’t exactly storming the beach at Normandy. You let healing happen. The day before, on the way to what I had no idea was going to be my last day at work, I was inspired to create a crystal infused elixir using avocado and almond oil, a glass apple juice bottle, and some tumbled crystals: rose quartz, tiger’s eye, and onyx. These crystals encourage love, strength, and grounding. Moisturizing with the crystal infused oil nourishes the body with those vibes. I also decided to wear a rose quartz necklace. While not everyone can feel the vibrations of crystals, I feel pretty sensitive to them, and can feel the warm, vibrant energy of tiger’s eye, the hot and earthy essence of onyx, and the light, joyful, compassionate vibes of rose quartz. Altogether, I felt whole and present. I was able to enjoy shouting at the TV and telling funny stories with my mom, sister, and great grandmother, and taking an impromptu trip to a small town with a lot of history for our family. I could appreciate the small and unexpected joys that bloomed throughout my day, which is near impossible to do when depression is setting in. This time, it wasn’t! I acted in the hope that things could get better, and began to inhabit that belief.

I meditated with citrine and tiger’s eye, reciting with my inhales and exhales, “I let go of the past and everything that no longer serves me”, with the citrine, and “I accept miracles in my life” with the tiger’s eye. I felt the warm energy of both, and the feelings of security and joy within me and around the crystals began to blend with the rolling wheels of my mom’s car, the feeling of us moving down the road and through traffic, the voices of my family, and the glimpses of sights along the road passing by, like a duck gliding on a small pond visible through a thin line of trees. It was all one, and all good.

Meditation for letting go:

Some people find crystals helpful for healing and meditation purposes, but it’s okay if you don’t use them. Focus on the first chakra, where we ground and feel stable on the earth, and the second chakra, the seat of creativity and joy, instead. I hope it works for you!

Sit in Sukhasana, Easy Pose, legs crossed on the floor. If you need to place blankets or pillows beneath your bottom, knees, thighs, or hips, go for it! Or you can sit in a chair for back support. If sitting at all is hard for you to do for extended periods of time, lay in Savasana on a mat, blanket, the couch or in bed.
Take deep abdominal breaths, helping your clear your mind.
Repeat the mantra, “I let go of the past and what no longer serves me; I accept miracles into my life” until it feels like a part of the landscape of your mind, and you feel peaceful and sure of the words.

Namaste!

Crystal Healing Relaxation Sequence

In the book Elemental Energy by Kristin Petrovich, the author, who is also the founder of Sjal skincare,discusses crystal grids and sacred geometry. Sjal’s products incorporate crystals and metals into their compounds, and the book gives the reader not only lots of diy skin treatments to try at home, but helpful information about crystals. Soon after finishing this book, I also encountered the concept of crystal grids in Self-Healing With Reiki. I enjoy arranging my crystals, but I had never really done a grid before. After doing meditation exercise with tiger’s eye and citrine, I decided to balance the warm, fortifying, energy of these crystals with the cooler energy of selenite. It was a ‘Why not?’ moment: rather than arranging a crystal grid on the coffee table, why not do it on the floor and lay in the middle of it?

Blankets on the floor remind me of learning Yoga with my mom when I was a little girl. I didn’t practice again until I was in my early twenties, but it is still one of my fondest memories. Sometimes practice on blankets comes more natural to me than a mat that catches all your sweat and is left pretty smelly after practice (good thing I make my own all purpose essential oil sprays, that are great for refreshing a sweat misted yoga mat). So, I felt peaceful and happy just at the sight of the blankets on the floor, just like when I would do Yoga with my mom, we would watch movies, or my sister and I would play Barbie dolls on a blanket. Familiar things, especially associated with very happy times in our life, are always good to turn to in some capacity when we need healing. A familiar sight, smell, music, or place has become apart of us, and returning to it can help us get in touch with the emotions they inspire.

Next, I arranged the crystals, and pointed them towards where I would lay. I used selenite wands, but I think quartz crystal points would also be a good fit for this meditation. When using crystals to heal, you are allowing your body’s energy field to absorb the energetic vibrations of the crystal. Selenite and quartz are both deep healers, with vibrations that respond to all of the energy body’s chakras. I lay down in the space framed by crystals. I used Yogic relaxation techniques to enter Savasana, a relaxed state: I tensed my arms and legs and then let the tension go, relaxing my limbs, then breathed deeply into my abdomen, deep and even like a child asleep.

While in this state, scenes of my latest corporate downsizing at my most recent part time retail job played in my head. The job was fun for me because I got to work in the store’s beauty department, and I love health and wellness and fashion. The customers were small town women who were tickled pink to have a new store in town. They shopped every day, returned things, and bought new things, and it was nice to see people figuring out their personal style maybe for the first time altogether or at least in a long time. My co-workers were a dream-we supported and enjoyed each other. However, my position was a tricky one in the scheme of the store’s shrinking budget-I was full time, but not management, so I was a drain. It was hard to have rude comments and false accusations directed my way. In situations like this, the powers that be would prefer that the employee feel so comfortable they quit voluntarily than be fired and appeal through corporate human resources, or with the state unemployment commission for their termination to be declared wrongful, resulting in a bad name for the company and possibly fines. We absorb the phrase and the idea that ‘that’s just business’, but these decisions can put people on the streets.

Once, my family found a kitten. It wandered into our yard, clung to our screen door, and mewed to be let in until we decided to take a chance on her. We all fell in love with her. I was depressed at this time, and she was a huge comfort to me. She let me hold her for a remarkably long time, considering how independent cats can be, and I felt so much love coming from her warm little body. But, my sister is terribly allergic, so we gave her to another family. Letting go of my warm, friendly, encouraging co-workers, after months of being unemployed and feeling isolated, feels like letting the kitten go. I am sad, but grateful for all we shared. The images of my former managers and the echoes of their words eventually dissolved, becoming fainter as my body became more relaxed and my aura became more open, drinking in the healing energy of selenite.

Once I finished, I felt stronger. I wrote a very honest journal entry, holding back none of my worries, and then I slept. I felt present and happy later that night, eating dinner, and watching “This is Us” with my family. Being unemployed is a dangerous situation. I am lucky to have a loving, multigenerational, two income household, that has been compassionate as I try to finish my BA in English and look ahead at getting a Master’s in Education. Finding and holding down a job in the meantime has been hard, but last night I felt healed of this recent bump in the road before I had time to be truly damaged by it.

Crystal Grid Savasana

Spread a Yoga mat or blanket on the floor in a quiet space where, preferably, you are alone.
Arrange the crystals you would like to use in a grid around the space that your body will take up when you lay down. I used selenite wands. Selenite has positive, light imparting, healing energy that absorbs negative energy (like my memories of my managers’ words and actions). I think that if selenite wands are not on hand, then quartz points would work well for a relaxation healing too, as they have a similar vibration.
Lay in Savasana in the space at the middle of the grid.
Lift your right forearm about an inch off the floor, and tense it by making a fist. Feel all the physical and emotional tension rise to the surface, then release the fist and release the tension as you lay your arm back on the ground. Do the same with your other arm, and both your legs.
Take deep abdominal breaths, filling your stomach on your inhale and letting your breath escape completely on the exhale. Your breath should begin to feel deep and even, as when you are sleeping.

As you lay like this, memories may start to arise. Maybe they won’t be very pleasant, at first. Maybe the unpleasant memories will dissolve, and be replaced by happy ones. Sometimes when I am in a relaxed state like this, I recall hikes that I have taken with my brother and sister, or being in the ocean on a summer trip to the beach. Or, your mind may clear and rather than seeing anything, you will only feel the cool energy of the crystals, and their vibration dispersing any negativity that is clinging to your energetic body. Feel the vibrations, and let them wash over you like a warm bath. It isn’t easy to feel the bad, but you have to, to let it pass. Rumi wrote, ‘Let every sorrow clear you out for some new joy.’

Sthira and Sukha

Whenever I make a self-deprecating comment, my sister says, “Give yourself a fighting chance!” It’s funny, but also has a way of snapping me back to my senses. How often do we think of our life as a list of problems, setbacks, and disappointments? Maybe consumerism has something to do with it. As I write this, its Thanksgiving, and in my lifetime I have watched this day transform from one synonymous with backyard football, parades, and family time to one increasingly known for doorbuster sales. I suppose we must give the stores credit-some of these sales do start after the dinner hour. Still, we shop for fun, we shop when we are encouraged to do so without giving much thought to our own ability to choose to do something else. We shop to buy things we feel will improve or define our lives. We are constantly shopping, applying the same mentality to moving through life as if through the fluorescent lighted, linoleum floored aisles of a shop-looking for what will make us feel better, and conversely disappointed by everything we see.

When my sister rallies me by saying, “Give yourself a fighting chance,” I think of what I have accomplished, what I can do to improve a situation that is legitimately ‘all that bad’, or just laugh at myself, which changes my mood. If we are happy with ourselves, we need nothing more than what we already have. If we have what we need, we don’t have to search. Or, rather, we do so with a guiding drive of curiosity than desperation. We pursue more of what we love, not something, anything to love because we don’t feel enough love towards ourselves.

Reaching that place is difficult. I would never suggest to anyone that it’s an easy road, to be satisfied with just who you are, and what you have. How do we give ourselves a fighting chance?

This blog is called Sthira Yoga. Sthira is the Sanskrit word for ‘balance.’ In Yogic literature, one will often find the encouragement to cultivate ‘Sthira’, and ‘Sukha’ or ‘Sukham’, balance and ease. Only through doing so can give ourselves a fighting chance a finding the kind of contentment that makes life more than a shopping trip in which you never find the right color, size, or price. Even on a Thanksgiving Day sale.